Dysphoria
by DancingLikeWater
Summary: Celena's thoughts about her life, from the point of view of an intersex person.


"Dysphoria"

_Author's note: This is a bit rambly, and will most likely be confusing. There have been a number of stories over the years involving Dilandau and Celena together. The big question is who is what gender, and who is who? My current approach: A little of both, and I'll explain a bit more after. I apologize in advance._

So that was when things started to go wrong, wasn't it? There was just something wrong, she was so different from everyone. Or was it he? He or she. He. She. It. Nothing.

Of course there was always something wrong, she did know that at least on a subconscious level. Red eyes, the same as Folken's. And look what happened to him. What else was wrong with him? At the time, she assumed that it was just natural. But who has eyes like that? Who was normal in that place, anyway?

It had never occured to her that there weren't any women in any of her surroundings. Women were hardly mentioned, not even in a derogatory way. They were non-existent. They were aliens, weird mythical creatures. He couldn't be one of them, of course not. Not even close. That was made perfectly clear, re-inforced by the strong masculine archtypes surrounding him. Especially Folken. So tall, so strong even though he was not in-tact. Some of that hatred towards him, anger and aggression...perhaps some of it was envy. Or just confusion, because as Dilandau, he never really was anything like that. He never felt like that was his destiny, and it was just so odd. But that was because Folken was a foreigner. He exuded foreign and evil qualities, that was the explanation for it at the time...

You never spoke of anything that confused you, though. That wasn't allowed. You learned or you failed. You did what you had to for survival, both on the field and off. If they had only said something. If only it were normal, or even special. If only it could have been talked about. And how thankful he was for mindless exercise, for alcohol, for any excessive act of violence to tide him over.

Now things were different, thought different is not necessarily good. She could be she. But she could only be she. A hardwon life was all but erased, and she was deemed the better for it. It had been such a jarring thing, she was struck dumb and forgetful by the whole experience.

How could she start like that, though? She was nearer to seventeen than seven, and such a world of difference that made. She was meant for this, the dressing up and playing house, playing debutante, playing polite little society girl. The nature of fate alteration, however, is one that mucks all manner of things up. Now she was destined to be a he and a she. She would enjoy a good fight, and he might want a bit more comfort than normal. The real crime was having only one or the other, when both needed the same things.

Soon she would be grown and expected to marry. She prayed for someone understanding, who might not mind that the rest of the world couldn't tolerate her in any form but one that no longer existed. She hoped for a big house that she might have the freedom to wander around in as herself. And if she couldn't have that, maybe she would no longer be a she. Or she would employ his old skills at coping.

_Afternotes: You can expect some more stories in the future along this vein. I've stopped writing fanfic for the most-part, but recently I've found it helpful._

_I am a transgender person who has recently started 'therapy' (Not a happily accepted term), and as such, I find Dilandau very very helpful. I am an FTM (Female to Male) transgender and in the past have always adamantly opposed the idea that Celena is, in fact, any sort of person or that anyone should pay her any attention. However, thanks to recent research and a bit of growing up, I've come to the conclusion that Dilandau/Celena is an intersex person. One way to be intersex is to be born with ambiguous features. Another way is to be forcibly changed from one gender to another for various reasons. I may be confused on it just now, please forgive if I've stated anything the wrong way._

_Anyway, if you happen to grow up as an intersex, transgender or transsexual person and aren't allowed to express or question whatever feelings you happen to be having, you might just get a little messed up in the head. You might just be unhappy, and this is all still something a lot of people don't get. I figure that in a strict military setting, that would be especially bad._

_I'm not sure if the rest of these sorts of fics will be stream of consciousness just yet. It's the easiest way to try and express the confusing nature of things, and quite frankly if I were having an easy time expressing myself I probably wouldn't be back to writing fic._


End file.
